A “picopause” is a little loving nudge towards simplicity and serenity.

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If you are in a casual conversation and you feel like things are heating up — for you or the other person — in a way that is getting to be unproductive or upsetting, stop talking. Not in a “silent treatment” sort of way, but more like a “pause”. Stop arguing with the other person even if — or especially if — you think you are right.

Drop the ball.

Inserting a pause into a conversation can give both people a chance to regulate themselves and steer the conversation in a different direction, if necessary.

This would also be a good time to stop making statements and start asking questions.

For example, you can start by saying, “I’ve never thought about it like that before,” and then continuing with:

• “What shaped that opinion for you?” (Ask them to elaborate on their own experience.)
• “Why does… (some specific thing) bother you so much?”
• “Can you help me understand…?” (Ask them to explain their point again, and really listen this time.)
• “What does… look like for you?” (Ask them to go into more detail about a part that doesn’t make sense to you.)
• “What part of what I have been saying sounds crazy to you?” (Try to figure out which values might be at the core of the argument.)

Or, you can just switch gears entirely and ask them about something else in their life.

*I got myself into this kind of argument this past weekend, and I failed to drop the ball at the right time. I didn’t realize that the person I was speaking to was getting agitated about some of the comments I was making. I thought we were just having a friendly game of catch, but I think she felt like we were playing dodgeball and I was whipping balls at her head. Oops. I apologized. I’ll try to do better next time.

**I used some em-dashes up there, but not because I used AI to write this post! I just like like long dashes!